Following a major life event, there are good and bad things about life moving on as per normal. Normality can offer a good distraction; a reason to keep going; or a good escape from the seriousness of recent events. Alternatively, it can be such a good distraction, that you never get a chance to deal with your emotions to then be able to move on and live a new kind of normal. It's so easy to get caught up in existing and functioning, that we don't permit ourselves the mental or physical space needed to deal with our emotions.
Another factor that can impact this, is time. Often it's a necessity to simply keep functioning because anything more than that is not possible, so with time, other things come out in the wash.
I was so caught up in functioning and dealing with one issue at a time, that it took me a good eight months post cardiac arrest, to realise that since the cardiac arrest I've been having nightmares every night.
I couldn't tell you specifics about the nightmares because they have always been so muddled, but the constants have been the vivid emotions I've been experiencing in them. It's always the same: violence, fearfulness, loss of control, confrontation, anger, anxiety, hatred, cruelty, hopelessness, desperation, chaos, being judged, frightfulness, frustration...amongst others. In my nightmares, I'm always pushed into situations I don't want to be in or deal with, with no choice but to haphazardly confront them.
To say that I've been exhausted after the cardiac arrest, is an understatement. I was constantly so tired and looking for reasons for this
exhaustion, that I completely missed the obvious one: good quality
sleep. It wasn't that I wasn't sleeping enough; or didn't have the ability to fall asleep. We even bought a new mattress! It was that I was having nightmares: an inescapable loop of the same, stagnant emotions in similar scenarios every single night. As a result I would wake up exhausted, in a haze and blur of confusion. I'd be cranky, impatient, unclear, unable to focus on any given task for too long, and would get worn out really easily and quickly.
So I focused on the tiredness as perhaps being caused by hypothyroidism. The (slight) hypothyroidism I've been experiencing most probably being a result of the heart medication amiodarone that I am on. There was no other logical explanation because the only thing my blood work showed were the TSH levels to indicate the hypothyroidism; and a spit test that I did showed low levels of progesterone. Essentially both tests showing that my hormones are fucked*. My cardiologist, GP and the head endocrinologist at RPAH were not concerned with my thyroid results and advised to simply keep a close eye on it.
So what next, what's the problem? No one could give me an answer. My cardiologist advised that perhaps the severe tiredness was due to sleep apnea, which is a common symptom for heart patients. So I went to my go-to guy for all things advice: my shrink. I figured he'd have a good colleague or know of a clinic he could refer me to do a sleep study. At this point I began observing my sleep looking for sleep apnea signs, but what I found instead were the constant nightmares. I told my psychiatrist about these and he was not surprised: they are a common symptom of PTSD. So we trialled a blood pressure medication which has been proven to assist PTSD patients with their nightmares. It switches off the fight or flight response experienced during sleep, giving you a chance to process and therefore wake up more refreshed and have better day-time function.
Hey presto, as expected, the medication worked overnight. The first nice dream I had in approximately eight months: and it was about my sisters. I was a little girl and they were all fussing over me and looking after me, loving me and nurturing me. The complete opposite scenario and set of emotions from my nightmares. It was exactly what I needed.
Following this I visited completely new places in my dreams. Not all my dreams were pleasant, but I no longer felt the need to escape them. In my dreams I could now control my emotions and I had choices. I could choose what I did and how I responded, and could even walk away from them or change them. This was a complete turnaround from being forced to continuously and haphazardly deal with unpleasant situations.
I took the pills for about a week and then stopped. I wanted to see what would happen when I came off them. It's been over a month now and I am happy to report that I am still visiting new places in my dreams, interacting with people and feeling more and more empowered in them. With the option of taking the medication again should I need it. I feel that even just that one week of quality sleep (minus the fight or flight hormones) was enough to kick my brain over into a new state of mind and function. I feel like a new person and enjoy each day at home with my daughter so much more now (as I'm sure she does also because I am no longer cranky). I have the ability to focus on tasks and feel much more energetic and capable of doing the things I like to do, including exercising regularly, socialising and preparing nutritious meals.
And the road to recovery continues...
What I've realised from it so far, is that the road is rocky with bumps, ditches, holes and smooth parts in between. Everyone has their own path and set of circumstances. But what I do urge all heart patients (particularly after a major cardiac event) is to not neglect their mental health and state of mind. Emotions play a major part in our healing process and capability with dealing with whatever gets thrown our way.
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*I've been doing some research on hormones and PTSD, so more on this stuff later, in another post.
Another factor that can impact this, is time. Often it's a necessity to simply keep functioning because anything more than that is not possible, so with time, other things come out in the wash.
I was so caught up in functioning and dealing with one issue at a time, that it took me a good eight months post cardiac arrest, to realise that since the cardiac arrest I've been having nightmares every night.
I couldn't tell you specifics about the nightmares because they have always been so muddled, but the constants have been the vivid emotions I've been experiencing in them. It's always the same: violence, fearfulness, loss of control, confrontation, anger, anxiety, hatred, cruelty, hopelessness, desperation, chaos, being judged, frightfulness, frustration...amongst others. In my nightmares, I'm always pushed into situations I don't want to be in or deal with, with no choice but to haphazardly confront them.
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| Image courtesy of Think Inc. |
So I focused on the tiredness as perhaps being caused by hypothyroidism. The (slight) hypothyroidism I've been experiencing most probably being a result of the heart medication amiodarone that I am on. There was no other logical explanation because the only thing my blood work showed were the TSH levels to indicate the hypothyroidism; and a spit test that I did showed low levels of progesterone. Essentially both tests showing that my hormones are fucked*. My cardiologist, GP and the head endocrinologist at RPAH were not concerned with my thyroid results and advised to simply keep a close eye on it.
So what next, what's the problem? No one could give me an answer. My cardiologist advised that perhaps the severe tiredness was due to sleep apnea, which is a common symptom for heart patients. So I went to my go-to guy for all things advice: my shrink. I figured he'd have a good colleague or know of a clinic he could refer me to do a sleep study. At this point I began observing my sleep looking for sleep apnea signs, but what I found instead were the constant nightmares. I told my psychiatrist about these and he was not surprised: they are a common symptom of PTSD. So we trialled a blood pressure medication which has been proven to assist PTSD patients with their nightmares. It switches off the fight or flight response experienced during sleep, giving you a chance to process and therefore wake up more refreshed and have better day-time function.
Hey presto, as expected, the medication worked overnight. The first nice dream I had in approximately eight months: and it was about my sisters. I was a little girl and they were all fussing over me and looking after me, loving me and nurturing me. The complete opposite scenario and set of emotions from my nightmares. It was exactly what I needed.
Following this I visited completely new places in my dreams. Not all my dreams were pleasant, but I no longer felt the need to escape them. In my dreams I could now control my emotions and I had choices. I could choose what I did and how I responded, and could even walk away from them or change them. This was a complete turnaround from being forced to continuously and haphazardly deal with unpleasant situations.
I took the pills for about a week and then stopped. I wanted to see what would happen when I came off them. It's been over a month now and I am happy to report that I am still visiting new places in my dreams, interacting with people and feeling more and more empowered in them. With the option of taking the medication again should I need it. I feel that even just that one week of quality sleep (minus the fight or flight hormones) was enough to kick my brain over into a new state of mind and function. I feel like a new person and enjoy each day at home with my daughter so much more now (as I'm sure she does also because I am no longer cranky). I have the ability to focus on tasks and feel much more energetic and capable of doing the things I like to do, including exercising regularly, socialising and preparing nutritious meals.
And the road to recovery continues...
What I've realised from it so far, is that the road is rocky with bumps, ditches, holes and smooth parts in between. Everyone has their own path and set of circumstances. But what I do urge all heart patients (particularly after a major cardiac event) is to not neglect their mental health and state of mind. Emotions play a major part in our healing process and capability with dealing with whatever gets thrown our way.
-----------------------------------------
*I've been doing some research on hormones and PTSD, so more on this stuff later, in another post.
