After letting the dust settle, I realised my big emotional turnaround began after our recent trip to Perth. It was a chance to get away; spend time with my dear longtime friend Jenny; stop thinking about all the heart stuff and be a family again. In those moments though, I mostly craved to connect with myself. Most prominently, I felt like I was doing a half-assed job of
everything: being me, being a partner, being a mother, being a friend;
being all the roles that make up the rich spectrum of my life.
I know that I can only be my best and offer my best, when I've connected with myself to begin with. Then I can have more to offer to everyone. The problem was that I felt I needed permission to do this. I felt guilty for being what I perceived to be selfish; for needing time on my own.
The longing to spend time on my own came to a boiling point. I realised I needed to take action when I began getting annoyed not only at myself, but at Chris and Zoe for just being themselves, for wanting me to be around and for engaging with me. I felt stretched really thin, that I had nothing to offer them. I started to resent them. It felt like I was steadily moving in a downwards spiral through a dark abyss with heavy weights on my shoulders, pushing me even further down.
I got really upset feeling this way towards the two most important people in my life; and knew that I had to do something about it. So I gave myself permission to be me, to give myself space to spend time on my own and do things I enjoy. I gave myself permission to have fun, relax, explore and find myself again.
I started with doing something small every day. Below is a list of the things I've done over the past couple of weeks that have contributed to making me feel whole again.
I know that I can only be my best and offer my best, when I've connected with myself to begin with. Then I can have more to offer to everyone. The problem was that I felt I needed permission to do this. I felt guilty for being what I perceived to be selfish; for needing time on my own.
The longing to spend time on my own came to a boiling point. I realised I needed to take action when I began getting annoyed not only at myself, but at Chris and Zoe for just being themselves, for wanting me to be around and for engaging with me. I felt stretched really thin, that I had nothing to offer them. I started to resent them. It felt like I was steadily moving in a downwards spiral through a dark abyss with heavy weights on my shoulders, pushing me even further down.
I got really upset feeling this way towards the two most important people in my life; and knew that I had to do something about it. So I gave myself permission to be me, to give myself space to spend time on my own and do things I enjoy. I gave myself permission to have fun, relax, explore and find myself again.
I started with doing something small every day. Below is a list of the things I've done over the past couple of weeks that have contributed to making me feel whole again.
- dinner and movie date with myself
- hot stone massage (never had one before, so it also counted as a new experience)
- take shoes off and walk on the beach, wet my feet in the ocean, sit on the sand and play with it
- take a 2-3 hour afternoon nap
- meet my girlfriend for a 1-1 (no kids, no partners) coffee and gossip
- walk through grass barefoot
- date night with Chris (dessert and a movie) to be a couple again
- family Sunday drive along the coast, lunch and drink with dear friends
- bake with love: birthday cake for Zoe and banana bread for the physiotherapists at my rehab program
- nurtured, watered and caressed my potplants, played with the dirt
- went for a walk through the city to see the VIVID Festival with my girlfriend
- personal maintenance (waxing, shaving, exfoliating, moisturing, file and paint nails, new facial cleansing regime)
- went out for walks around the neighborhood with just Zoe, so we can reconnect and for me to build my confidence up and look after her on my own again
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