Setting Boundaries

Fuck you very much 2014. Just when I thought this year was (finally) wrapping up nicely after a tumultuous, challenging and death defying crescendo, it throws two more curve balls that smack me right in the face.

It's true, my psychiatrist was right - my family do not do things by halves. When we're in, we're all in. We've had two terrible sets of news relating to my siblings. During a time when happiness is supposed to reign (Christmas and all that happy, fun shit), my two sisters have had to come to terms and deal with some terrible health related issues. It's been a downer to say the least.

When I was talking to one of my sisters and she ended up consoling me about her bad news - when I should have been the one consoling her, I got thinking. It reminded me of when I had the cardiac arrest and had to console family members in the hospital. All the meanwhile I wasn't quite sure what was going on myself. The shoe was on the other foot now.

My other sister handled her situation quite differently - not wanting to discuss anything, and with her boyfriend giving me the news.

The point I'm trying to get at - is bad news is bad news, no matter how it is communicated or received. There are so many confronting and uncomfortable emotions to deal with and that can make communication during these bad times more often than not, awkward. Everyone deals with things differently and there is no right or wrong way. It's whatever the individuals are comfortable with at the time.

Last year when my great niece died, her mother at times got very angry about the types of things that family and friends were saying in an attempt to console her. I get it, the world can be a fucked up place sometimes and when fucked up things happen like a healthy 9 month old dying suddenly, I'd be fucking angry too with probably anything anyone said or did. But she never said anything about it (except maybe indirectly rant on Facebook about it); she expected that everyone else should know what she wants to hear, in the way she wants to hear it.

The pieces fell together in my in-laws kitchen the other day. It was the last straw - I was so angry at people wanting to help by giving me unsolicited random advice. People wanting to help heal and fix poor broken (heart problem ridden) Angie.

When in reality it's just a way to attempt to fix themselves, so they project their shit on to me.

I realised at that moment that there's no point being angry. People are not mind readers. Their attempt to help or console all come from a good place of caring, concern and love. We are just as responsible for how we respond, as they are for what they say.

The problem in my situation has been the lack of response I have been giving these seemingly helpful people. It's because I didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable, so I'd nod through and listen to all their hair-brained, irrelevant, out of context quick fixes and suggestions for helping me with my heart problem - whatever that is - because they don't even quite know.

I'm responsible for setting my boundaries and maintaining them. So here goes, next time someone gives unsolicited advice or assistance, this will be my response: I'm fine, thank you for your concern and advice. At this stage I am happy and healthy and have my situation under control and under the watchful eye of relevant health care professionals.

Fuck you very much. Thanks 2014, you've had some highs and some really low lows. On to bigger and better things in 2015.

Wishing everyone a happy new year full of love, peace and most importantly, good health.

Wake, Eat, Live, Sleep, Repeat.

I'm tired. As I'm writing this I'm sitting on a stool slumping over the bench and my iPad. I've been wanting to write for a while but haven't had the energy nor the time. My hubby went back to work a month ago and honestly...I'm still adjusting to doing everything on my own, including looking after our one year old daughter. He's a great help when he gets home from work, but I feel like stuff (chores, cleaning, organising) are never ending. I've been overwhelmed at times. I'm getting irritated. I go to bed and fall asleep immediately from exhaustion.

I understand that all parents are tired, but I sense that my tiredness is on another heart-related level. I think I've been neglecting the fact that my capacity is not the same as someone else's (with no health issues).

What's been compounding that is that after a recent reassessment, I've realised my personal values were in the wrong order. I have been putting family and friends first. Noble, sure, maybe? But the reality is that if I don't look after myself then I won't have much to offer my family or friends or anyone else for that matter. So I put health first. This has changed my life and given me purpose, consistency and routine. Not bad things during a (emotionally and physically) tumultuous time.

Wake up, brekkie, gym/or walk, grocery shopping, lunch, cook, eat, sleep. Add a dose of housework and lots of playing with Zoe in between all that stuff. Repeat.

Some days are a struggle to do any of that apart from eat and sleep. I try and listen to my body (it's hard, my mind is quite overpowering and pushes me to over commit and overextend myself) but some things, like keeping my daughter alive and happy, must be done. 

I've had to slow way down. I feel like I'm at 50% capacity i.e. doing half the amount of stuff I did before and have had to make changes to my life accordingly. I've tried to be creative in my approach because I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can't be everything to everyone. That concept is so unrealistic and unattainable, causes constant unnecessary angst and stress...but that's another topic.

Here are some things that I've been doing.

Minimised social commitments. Particularly during the week. My motto is now low key and quality over quantity. Major life events make people realise things: if any of my "friends" didn't come see me post cardiac arrest either in the hospital or later at home, then I won't be going out of my way to see them...or probably ever talk to them again either. So that also minimises the amount of people "in rotation" in our social calendar.

Prioritising. I can't do everything. I can barely do half the stuff I did. Realistically some things slip, so I find it easier to let things slide once I've prioritised what's important and what's less important. And then not feeling guilty about the things that do slip!

Organised a house cleaner. They can be pricey here in Australia, so I've booked one in for once a fortnight only. I'll be paying her out of my personal budget. It means a few less lunches out but the way I've been living lately, that's not an issue as I'm primarily home bound by choice.

Online shopping. They deliver the groceries to my house and place them on my kitchen bench. Convenient and considering I'm still not allowed to drive, necessary. Any bits and bobs that I need (fresh fruit, veggies and meat) I pick up after the gym each day from my local grocer/butcher.

More online shopping. Yep, don't even want to go to a shopping center to shop for fashion or cosmetics or presents. I order that shit online and it gets delivered to my door.

Ask for help. I delegate tasks to Chris, particularly lifting heavy stuff like piles of washing. I also now take up my friends' offers to help wash the dishes when they come over for a meal. And my new cleaner? I've asked her for (paid) help because I can't keep up with the housework.

Image borrowed from www.nsf.gov.

Automate and mechanise. I'm truly embracing industrialisation by using machines like there's no tomorrow. Some days the dishwasher does two loads; I put most things in there now! Hanging washing? I don't think so. I'm pulling that stuff from the washing machine and putting it straight into the dryer. I'm cutting out steps where I can. Sure our electricity bill is slightly higher but it's worth my sanity and energy.

Batch food preparation. If I'm making something that can be frozen, I will make extra to freeze some portions. That way if I don't feel like cooking one day, I can defrost and have something quick and easy on hand.

Saying "NO". Hard for me to do when I've spent my life trying to make others and myself happy. But no choice. Used in the correct way, "NO" can be very powerful and liberating. It helps set limitations, boundaries and expectations.

Sleep. My average generally is eight hours a night. Some nights I've slept nine or 10 hours and still don't feel like it's enough. If I don't get enough sleep I can't function and find that my energy levels are greatly affected. Most nights it's hard to drop stuff and force myself to go to sleep, but this is where the prioritising comes in handy.

I'm getting there - to whatever my new normal is meant to be. I feel like I'm getting organised but my energy levels are still not where I want them to be. I'm still focusing on my rehabilitation and finding a new groove in my life. It will take time and I'm understanding now, that's OK.