We were at a family function on the weekend and I was asked about my health and events leading up to the cardiac arrest. In fact it felt more like I was being grilled. Spit roasted and turned in my own juices to over cook.
"We're you stressed?"
"Work must be really stressful."
"We're you working long hours, did you have a lot of work on?"
"It's not good being stressed."
Mother fucker I haven't worked for over a year. Instead I have been at home chillaxing, playing with my daughter, organising my social calendar and going on coffee dates with friends. During that time the most stress I've experienced is deciding what to cook for dinner that night; and if I never got around to it, what take-away food to order.
I'm sorry if my language is offensive; but that's the answer I should have given. They know nothing about my life but they are full of assumptions. I haven't seen these people since Christmas. Instead I was a lot more diplomatic even after the bombardment of guilt. I was subliminally processing the conversation, feeling uneasy but not quite sure why. Until later.
They were trying to find a reason. The uncertainty of life, and death, are too much to bear. Stress was their scapegoat. I can empathise, I've tried to clutch on to various reasons.
The reality is that not even my doctors are completely sure what the reason for the cardiac arrest was. They found fluid around my heart so the most likely explanation is I had a virus. The virus weakened my heart and attacked it, messed with the electrics.
There was nothing I could have done or changed, no influence I could have had over the matter of my cardiac arrest. All it's workings were invisible.
I saw my holistic therapist on Monday, she's back in session after her maternity leave (YAY!). We had a very good and long chat. We pried open the lid to a very deep can of worms, which I'm dealing with.
One of the prominent emotions I am feeling is guilt. In my view I did all the right things, yet my body still let me down; I ultimately let myself down. Was there something else I could have done? The guilt suddenly takes a turn and joins forces with severe disappointment.
Guilt is a heavy cross to bear.
Not only had I been feeling guilty myself (without realising mind you!), I now had "family" making me feel even fucking worse. Like there was something I should have done that I didn't. Like I haven't been managing my own health or haven't had awareness about it my whole life already. I'm not ready to deal with their shit and their emotions, and I shouldn't have to either. I'm struggling enough dealing with my own.
Fuck that. Now I'm just pissed off. For me, this comes before understanding and finally acceptance.
"We're you stressed?"
"Work must be really stressful."
"We're you working long hours, did you have a lot of work on?"
"It's not good being stressed."
Mother fucker I haven't worked for over a year. Instead I have been at home chillaxing, playing with my daughter, organising my social calendar and going on coffee dates with friends. During that time the most stress I've experienced is deciding what to cook for dinner that night; and if I never got around to it, what take-away food to order.
I'm sorry if my language is offensive; but that's the answer I should have given. They know nothing about my life but they are full of assumptions. I haven't seen these people since Christmas. Instead I was a lot more diplomatic even after the bombardment of guilt. I was subliminally processing the conversation, feeling uneasy but not quite sure why. Until later.
They were trying to find a reason. The uncertainty of life, and death, are too much to bear. Stress was their scapegoat. I can empathise, I've tried to clutch on to various reasons.
The reality is that not even my doctors are completely sure what the reason for the cardiac arrest was. They found fluid around my heart so the most likely explanation is I had a virus. The virus weakened my heart and attacked it, messed with the electrics.
There was nothing I could have done or changed, no influence I could have had over the matter of my cardiac arrest. All it's workings were invisible.
I saw my holistic therapist on Monday, she's back in session after her maternity leave (YAY!). We had a very good and long chat. We pried open the lid to a very deep can of worms, which I'm dealing with.
One of the prominent emotions I am feeling is guilt. In my view I did all the right things, yet my body still let me down; I ultimately let myself down. Was there something else I could have done? The guilt suddenly takes a turn and joins forces with severe disappointment.
Guilt is a heavy cross to bear.
Not only had I been feeling guilty myself (without realising mind you!), I now had "family" making me feel even fucking worse. Like there was something I should have done that I didn't. Like I haven't been managing my own health or haven't had awareness about it my whole life already. I'm not ready to deal with their shit and their emotions, and I shouldn't have to either. I'm struggling enough dealing with my own.
Fuck that. Now I'm just pissed off. For me, this comes before understanding and finally acceptance.
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