Why?

I no longer ask myself "why me?" like I used to when I was younger. I'm not a victim, I'm just another ant in the anthill that stuff just randomly happens to. No matter how much we try to effect change, we ultimately do not have that much influence. We are not the ones in control, for the most part anyway. Control is an illusion, at the most we can try to influence, guide or steer some variables.

I don't know if I believe in fate or destiny. The idea that I'm not the one guiding my life - making everyday deliberate choices - does not resonate with me. I like the idea that I consciously make decisions and then live with the consequences. The tricky part are all the other variables we don't choose or can't control amongst all that. It all becomes so blurred: choices, fate, destiny, universal randomness.

I didn't choose to have a heart problem. And for the most part I'm healthy, I'm doing my part to combat it, or at least delay the degeneration. But I do have to live with the consequences.

I had my routine, my checkups, my team of healthcare professionals and everything was in order, or at least I thought it was. Until I had the cardiac arrest.

Now, in this moment, there is a lot of uncertainty and a massive question mark looming over my future. Perhaps there always was, I just never realised it. I guess it's the same question mark that hangs over everyone, but I've been made to pay immediate attention to it. 

I'm thrust into a new reality. I'm not quite sure what my life is supposed to look like or be yet. All I know is that I can't go on this journey on my own. I can't waste this opportunity to share my story and hopefully help people along the way. This is part of my healing and redefinition process. Thank you for coming along on this journey.