Working Nine to Five

Excuse my 12 or so month hiatus. I've been back at work and since energy and time are both finite, there's been only so much I can fit into my days. More so, I haven't had anything I've wanted to tell you until now.

Like my psychiatrist appointments, I need some time between "sessions" to experience life and let things ferment, to give myself space for observation and to come up with new conclusions and ideas.

Getting back to work has been great for my confidence. It's given me the chance to connect with lots of new people and reconnect with some old friends. I've really enjoyed being able to delve into and focus on projects and feel the sense of achievement from completing tasks; emotions (control, focus and sense of achievement/completion) not often experienced during parenting.

After two clients and three major projects, which spanned 10 months, I was ready for a break. We decided to go to Europe again to visit family and friends and had a lovely (and tiring because YOLO) six weeks away. I really need to rethink the types of trips we do...but that's another story.

Prior to the trip I had sunk so deep into work that I neglected (regular/scheduled) exercise, I had neglected our family and home, and most importantly, I had neglected myself. Amongst all my responsibilities and roles, it's been hard finding a balance, and this seems to be the constant challenge.

Upon our return to Australia, I was barely recovered from jet lag and I had a meeting for another project. I wasn't ready to start again, I really needed some weeks to myself at home to relax, get back to a new sense of normal and work out (consciously) what my next steps would be. Being a consultant and by nature of the work not knowing when the next pay day will be, I told myself I have to take the work, whatever work, when it presents itself. And so I did.

I wasn't in a good place emotionally or physically at the time but I just thought of the money I'd make to replenish our depleted savings after the six week European jaunt. Again I fell into the consumerist cycle most of us fall into. Work - make money - buy shit you don't need - repeat. Which I can deal with under normal circumstances when I actually like the work and the people that I'm working with, and the buying of the shit is holidays to see loved ones (three of the core reasons I get up with pep in the morning and go to work for). But this time around, there was no pep, there was no zest. Instead there was growing dissatisfaction, constant complaining and increased frustration. I was the furthest I had been from myself for a long time and for this I was really angry.

As the weeks progressed, I began to show my frustration at work and I let people know about it. As my scope at work increased, so did my frustration and contempt. I pushed back and managed to make myself redundant from the project about a month earlier than anticipated. I experienced a set of mixed emotions about this scenario: less cash in my pocket than I had budgeted for and sad about no longer being needed, but on the other hand, I now had a new sense of freedom and excitement for life. A renewed sense of hope.

I made room in my life for what I needed, which is the space and time to re-evaluate what's working and what's not; to structure my life accordingly and find my balance. I realise not everyone is that lucky to have the opportunity to do the same. So for this I'm really grateful.

Thanks for tuning in again.

The Overwhelming Lightness of Honesty

...or the overwhelming lightness of living your values.

I've been shitty lately. I couldn't put my finger on it until I was in my psychiatrist's office last month. There were a couple of catalysts but the main one that stands out in my mind is the Mexican standoff I had with a stranger in a public shopping centre carpark, the day before I saw my shrink. That was the peak of it.

Firstly, I had gone against my better judgement (and experience) by going to that carpark in the first place. In this suburb I usually park in the (un-metered) back streets about a ten minute walk away. The benefit of this is threefold: light exercise, chance to clear my mind before my appointment and no time pressure for the free parking. In this instance I thought I might try the shopping centre carpark instead, in case I wanted to also do grocery shopping. As always in the carpark, there was mass confusion and people doing stupid and illegal things like driving in the wrong lane and blocking off traffic. Long story short: a lady and I were going for the same carpark. If another carpark hadn’t become available that moment so we could each have one, I’m not sure what would have happened.

For many of you there comes a point in your life where for whatever reason, you may just snap it. You’ve kept doing the same thing over and over again and suddenly you realise, it’s just not working…and it probably never did, but you did it regardless.

I reached this point in that shitty, dark and dank basement carpark. The perfect setting for what felt like a lifetime of frustration that finally peaked and exploded. I realised in that moment that I had been putting up with a constant conflict in my value system, which created that angst, frustration and inconvenience, just so I can be nice and liked by other people. Liked by whom and for what? A stranger for letting her have the carpark, so she can be appreciative and like me, when she doesn’t even know me and will never even speak to me? WTF?!

My Mexican standoff breakthrough is, I’m sure, more (psychologically) complicated than I’m letting on. But it is not necessary to get into the detail or to analyse it to be able to portray the same takeaway message.

When a major life event occurs, like the cardiac arrest in my case, it hopefully makes you look at things and your life differently. The cliché of life being too short really rings true. Furthermore I believe it’s important, if not mandatory, to hold on to that life is too short concept to be able to make positive change in your own life. From one moment to the next, life can be over. So why spend your precious seconds, minutes, hours, days, months or years of your life being unhappy?

image courtesy of Your Core Light

I find that when I’m in the flow and living in harmony with myself and the world around me is when I’m honest with and true to my values. And that means knowing yourself and having the courage to say no to other things that conflict with those values and your happiness.

Why?

I no longer ask myself "why me?" like I used to when I was younger. I'm not a victim, I'm just another ant in the anthill that stuff just randomly happens to. No matter how much we try to effect change, we ultimately do not have that much influence. We are not the ones in control, for the most part anyway. Control is an illusion, at the most we can try to influence, guide or steer some variables.

I don't know if I believe in fate or destiny. The idea that I'm not the one guiding my life - making everyday deliberate choices - does not resonate with me. I like the idea that I consciously make decisions and then live with the consequences. The tricky part are all the other variables we don't choose or can't control amongst all that. It all becomes so blurred: choices, fate, destiny, universal randomness.

I didn't choose to have a heart problem. And for the most part I'm healthy, I'm doing my part to combat it, or at least delay the degeneration. But I do have to live with the consequences.

I had my routine, my checkups, my team of healthcare professionals and everything was in order, or at least I thought it was. Until I had the cardiac arrest.

Now, in this moment, there is a lot of uncertainty and a massive question mark looming over my future. Perhaps there always was, I just never realised it. I guess it's the same question mark that hangs over everyone, but I've been made to pay immediate attention to it. 

I'm thrust into a new reality. I'm not quite sure what my life is supposed to look like or be yet. All I know is that I can't go on this journey on my own. I can't waste this opportunity to share my story and hopefully help people along the way. This is part of my healing and redefinition process. Thank you for coming along on this journey.